Classified and Confidential Opportunities for Laughter
Saturday, May 12, 2012 at 8:49PM House Staging for Real Estate Co.
Foreclosed homes need to be "devalued" to fit current demand for
lower priced housing. Remove features such as: central air, crown molding,
whirl pool tub. Install: vinyl trim, pressboard paneling, hollow core doors.
Full/Part time depending on market demands.
Brand New Business Degree?
We need you at our large franchise. Salaried position for new college
graduates who can apply textbook management models to chaotic
fast food business. Take charge of workforce of disillusioned dropouts with
leadership skills dreamed up by gold-digging academics. Real life experience
not necessary. Please, recent graduates ONLY!
Poets Needed Immediately!
Water Department seeking poetic pablum to sooth sewerage plant workers.
Seasonal position. Must provide uplifting, inspirational poetry using traditional sonnet form.
Free verse considered ONLY if applicant has been anthologised by a major publishing house.
NO small press, letter press, chap book, translations, etc etc. Compose, transcribe, recite.
Ability to lift up to 50 lbs, TIG weld, a plus.
Performing Arts Degree?
Hungry? Provide theatrical distraction in fine dining establishments for cast and crew filming
a new documentary on obtaining free meals. Must have reliable 9 passenger van or bus, good credit, no latex allergies, and ability to travel at large.
Nina Rossi
Wanted: Humorless Lesbian
to provide "disapproving silence" at company board meetings.
Maintain status quo, stifle creativity, and control rising costs through idea
stagnation. Help curb innovation with blanket disapproval, scornful back-
biting.
Responsible Person Needed
Will you be our next "gremlin" and absorb company blame?
Confess to breaking equipment and products in our state of the art
bottling plant. Willingness to take on small mistakes (typos, stains,
payroll errors, no TP in lavatory) as well as those inevitable total
disasters including (but not limited to) malfunctioning machinery,
bad repairs, accidental injury/death, and toxic spills. Experience
as a minority or in traditional marriage role (wife only) helpful
but not necessary.
WANTED: Explosively Insubordinate Clerk
for inter-company mail delivery at national headquarters of major
insurance company. Will be testing boundaries of salaried employees
to determine key weaknesses. Will work closely with HR department
on a long term reorganization strategy. Currently or chronically unemployed encouraged to apply: put your suppressed rage and blame-shifting self pity to work with an industry leader!
Nina Rossi
Prima Donna Vacancy
This position in our manufacturing work group pays little,
but requires minimal effort. Supports team by providing focused
trajectory for negative energy. Effective P.D.'s are narcissistic,
entitled, over-under educated and somewhat charismatic. Must
wear personal protection vest or purchase individual liability
insurance.
WANTED: Family Values Avatar
for large company. Get paid to stay at home with your own
children while using your excellent domestic skills to help our
HR department. Top executives with "inner child emptiness"
need your home-made birthday cakes and holiday decorations
to get through 60+ hr weeks.. Working from our confidential
personnel files at home, you create picture-perfect holidays for our
special genuises. No bagged/boxed lunches required--EVER!!
Nina Rossi
Studio Assistant
Maintain palette, brushes, comb-over; sketch basic
composition on canvas; depict landscapes, people, animals,
with oil paints. Opportunity to master all aspects of painting,
including facsimile signatures of major artists. Live-in opportunity
with full use of 10 room Loft/Studio. Must provide personal care
for artist's 90 year old mother when not working in studio.
Earn $$$$ at home in your spare time!
stuff envelopes with harmless sugar substitute samples
and send to our elected officials in Washington, DC and
state capitals. PO box required.
Philosophers: Now!
Explore the body/mind paradox at adult entertainment center located
on fringes of academic town. Find aesthetic balance that appeals to
erotically curious intellectuals. Determine "opposite pole" dance themes
while applying Goethe's color theory to carpeted booths/spotlights.
Nina Rossi
Fawning Subordinate
CEO needs constant stroking to perform! Shameless,
selfless Beta only for this role. Experience in scientology
helpful: you pay US for this opportunity!
Karaoke Performer Needed ASAP
Allthe pickled eggs you can eat for singers who can clear
the room every 45 minutes. We can't serve more than two drinks per hour
so we're changing the crowd instead! Crooners will use hockey rink amplifiers
to pry drinkers from their roost. Professionals, non-smokers need not apply.
Educated, Jewish Couples Needed
for Economic Stimulus package in the Crafts sector. Show consumer leadership
by selecting and purchasing pottery, paintings, jewelry, etc at crafts fairs nationwide.
Provide economic stimulation in deep pockets of critical bad taste in Southern, Central and
Southwestern states. All purchases TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
Clown for Construction Crew
Follow workers with pitfalls, pratfalls, slapstick routines as they erect steel girder
buildings. New Union contract demands "brief periods of levity" for high-rise steel
workers deprived of strain relieving laughter provided by derisive (yet hilarious)
review of passing pedestrians.